My experience of "friends"
A page in the diary "Confessions of a Depressed Maniac"
Written by Nithyanand 02 February 2009 13:54
Why is it that I find people so insincere and hypocritical?I've invested so much emotionally,spiritually,even financially,in all these friendships and yet,when I need them the most and whilst they should be able to sense it and reach out to me,and even though I positively cry out for help,there's none who's there for me,not even those from whom I had,in my moments of weakness,which were all too frequent,and naively perhaps,extracted promises to the contrary?Is it all sound and light,signifying nothing?
Is not friendship about give and take,about mutual respect and understanding,about intimacy and comfort,when you need it?Why is it that more often that not,I find it to be give,but never receive,seek but never find?
Why is that someone who's sincere in relationships,and in life in general,gets to be on the receiving end of such treatment?Why me?Why is that people who are obviously less so,and even have undesirable elements and weaknesses in their characters,not only get acknowledged,but even get encouraged,and come to be thought of as having admirable qualities,as worthy of rewards,of not only acceptance,but unquestioned,unconditional love?Or is that what I see as weakness is actually a strength in the eyes of society?Is it that I have been blind,and immature,having missed many,many years of my childhood and teenage emotional development?What is it that I lack,as a human being,as a friend,as a person?What do they all perceive in me,which deters them,which makes them insensitive to my desperate cries of help,of agony and pain?
What more do I need to do?I've bled in front of them,opened my heart out and poured it out in a chalice for them to taste,to let them measure my agony,in ways that I had never dreamed of before?Was all that relief and release temporary,fleeting?How much more do I need to open up?Am I not transparent already,concealing nothing,no intention,no thought unsaid?I've done all I can to demolish the barrier I perceived to exist between me and others,decimated it with all means,thirsting for an end I had so long sought after.Why is that they do not see the hunger,the thirst,the very great torment I am made to undergo precisely because of their callous actions?
Is it my fate to always seek,always strive,but never find?To always long for what I so long denied myself,for what I cherished when I was given a glimpse of,to crave for what seems to be so easily available to others?
Is it not the point of fruition of friendship,to be able to hear the unsaid,see the hidden,feel the unexpressed?Was I deluding myself when I believed that I had indeed reached such a point,not with one,not with two,but with a multitude of different people,at different times?Are they not guilty of dereliction of their duty,of my expectation,when far from healing my wounds,they,perhaps inadvertently,rub salt on them?I had exposed my mental frailties,casting aside any shame and expected them to understand,to help,to console,to support,to heal.
What should be the ultimate aim of all human endeavour?Personal,inner satisfaction at the knowledge that your principles have been sound,that you have done no wrong,according to some abstract principles of ethics that you've conjured up for yourself,and that which others seem not to adhere to,and that which you knowingly subvert yourself,when it suits you?Or should the aim be more earthly,more grounded in life?Should the acceptance of society and hence the rewards accrued,be the main motive behind one's actions,regardless of principles and values,which though cherished,may not be worthy of anything other than that,impractical as they might be in real life?Does the end justify the means?Does one have to throw away all ethical standards to attain recognition and reward and acceptance in society?
People seem to be so saturated,so lost in their own existing frameworks of living,so as to desire status-quo,ironically the very attitude I used to hold,and which by much personal striving on my part and assistance from these very people,I was able to overcome?Did I go too far in the other direction and expect too much from others and assume wrongly that they would be open as I had presumed?