Reflections
A page in the diary "Confessions of a Depressed Maniac"
Written by Nithyanand 03 February 2009 12:11
Why is it that my brain is such a crazy morass,a cacophony,of thoughts?Why do I not enjoy life,live it?Why is it that others,far less worthy of it,receive it and enjoy it?Why not me?Why am I condemned to this fruitless cycle of hope,expectation,frustration and finally failure and disappointment?
I wish I could break out of it all….for then,I would have transcended them all…..I would have reached a plane of existence supposedly reached by just a handful.I would have surpassed them all,found myself…but such thoughts,embittered as they are,with feelings of winning over others,won't do me any good.I must get rid of that mentality.But victory that shall be mine,doesn't have to mean defeat for others….for in the game that I play,there are no losers.No one gets beaten.And it's a game that the rest of them are only dimly aware of.I tread the fine line between sanity and insanity,perhaps closer to the former,but sometimes to the latter…I travel alone to distant lands,suffer much on the journey….adventure that others haven't even
thought of…I go in search of things no one even knows exist,or cares about….I go wherever I go,alone…in solitude..because no one can come with me,where I go.Only I have access to my unique mind,to this
construct of my brain,where no one else can take a peek.The high tides and low ebbs of this ocean within,that only I can feel,can describe,can experience..
I know that this road has been travelled upon before.I can see their tracks,their footsteps,the disturbance in the waters before me.I know it's a path less travelled.But a voyager am I.Travel is all I do.I see
lands that others haven't even thought of.In that,I believe,lies the justification for my existence….my soul..
I have no talents that I can exhibit,show to others to gain their respect,appreciation and acceptance.All I have,are my thoughts….it's all I have.Ephemeral,transitory,fleeting.And that I believe,might be the fundamental insecurity that every intellectual experiences,at some point or another in their lives,perhaps all the time.
And the only reason I've to convince myself to strive on is this:I've 2 people back home,to whom I mean the world.I must not disappoint them.Come what may.